Here´s the song that got in the way, and was succumbed to trials and tribulations, alsmost as if something wanted me NOT to release it. So in the end I decided to give you, as with other songs, this version we have now, which is, presumably, not the final version you´ ll hear in a few weeks, but nevertheless it transports what I wanted to tell, maybe in a way that is rather raw than beautiful. Tell me what you think.
I´ ve trigger warned you before. This is a song about sexual abuse of a dependant. Be it a child, a kidnapper´ s victim, or a catalogue bride. I know these victims rarely find a voice to scream even in their own minds. So I wanted to give them one. Maybe this helps someone. Maybe not. I can at least try.
The lyrics:
He lifts the cover ever so softly
He smiles so friendly and strokes her hair
Oh are you cold dear, here, let me warm you
his hand is hot indeed but makes her freeze
She is so young still and has nobody
maybe he´s right in all that he does
maybe she´s wrong in feeling a victim
maybe it´s her fault and she´s here to please
but in her mind she screams
Throw yourself out of the window
Shoot yourself in the head
Make yourself feel like I do
Know what you´re doing is ever so bad
Hack off your hands that abuse me
Throttle yourself to death
While you´re at it please castrate yourself
I wish someone before me had
Oh please die – oh please die – oh please die
He crawls in the bed, snuggles beside her
tugs at her nightgown and pulls it up
Oh you´re so hot dear, here, let me show you
what good I can do only for you
He says he loves her but never asks her
what she is feeling, if she´s alive
maybe she´s human, maybe his soft toy
it doesn´t matter, she´s there to please
Maybe there will come the day
Where she will run away
And when he finds her, threatens to blind her,
she gropes behind her and …
screams
I am very lucky to never have endured such a monstrous crime. But I wanted to make sure that I don´ t overstep a border, or worse, make victims feel mocked at, or whatever. So I asked around in the Patreon group of Amanda Palmer where I knew several victims who had told their stories before. Here´ s a few of the responses I got:
“Yes, that is pretty much what it feels like. … the anger part seems to come from years later. It took me decades to feel angry about anything that happened. It was all frozen before that.”
” Sehr treffend…. Wobei ich mir tatsächlich öfter den Tod gewünscht habe als ihm.”
” This. The emotions in the lines really hit home. Except from the part holding him responsible. I didn’t do it then, I was so broken, so brainwashed. It’s still hard to place all the responsibility and guilt with him, even now 12 years after my escape. But this hits really close to home. God.”
” Just the part about the warm hands. Fuck. He had the warmest hands ever. They burned. And I froze. Like a deer in the head lights. The not ever knowing what was coming. Like would he just “caress” or would he first do that and then just beat the living hell out of me while getting his way. I’m sorry to pour this on you. You just hit a nerve. Thank you. Biggest hug back to you. People like me need people like you (who haven’t experienced this kind of abuse) to understand. To know that we couldn’t “just leave.” Thank you.”
” I think it’s beautiful. Rage inducing but validating too.”
” it feels… relevant.”
Maybe you can understand how these conversations haunted me for weeks.
Let them haunt you.
Love,
Feline
